


Drown

by DamiSeptic



Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: A SMALL THING, HI NO SEPTIPLIER IS LIKE REALLY NOT EXACTLY MENTIONED IN THIS HEADS UP, M/M, Markiplier - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trigger Warnings, its just like, jacksepticeye - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-08 04:03:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15922475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DamiSeptic/pseuds/DamiSeptic
Summary: Sean, you'd expect him to be the happy bubbly man he is- loud too. But really, he's not all that. He feels like he's not much at all. His paranoia keeps him up at night and his anxiety and he's kept this a secret for years. Till now.





	1. The Bar

**Author's Note:**

> Hi im not sure how often this will be updated? I was proud of this when i finished the chapter but now looking at it again theres plenty of things i could fix and change. Please feel free to leave suggestions in the comments, i'd really appreciate it!!

'Do you know what anxiety feels like? And feeling it every day to the point it’s when you forget happiness? It’s almost like you have chains wrapped around your chest, a block weighing you down as you fall into the ocean. Further and Further you go until the chain snaps to the pressure. And then you float to the top, breathing in a sigh of relief. All that time you fell you were wondering what would happen, what could happen and things that could happen about the ones you love. It all happens so slowly and poof, then your at the top again with another sigh of relief. It’s weird. It’s not like anyone will really see this. Or I hope they don’t. '

Jack had sat alone, and yet nothing was wrong, but so many things were. He only wrote this letter to get things off his mind and yet he’d probably throw it away eventually. Or- maybe give it to.. Someone... To explain how he feels every fucking day. He was shaky- morely from not having enough sleep, secondly from just paranoia.   
Sometimes, he wished he could just let all these worries drown away from his mind, but he knows it's his fault he thinks these things. It’s just-   
He tries. He very much tries to think better things, but his anxiety wouldn't let him. Neither would Anti..

He rested his head down on the table. 4 drinks? Not enough. Would 5? Would 20? What about the whole bottle? Would it make him calm down enough to not worry about everything about him? Or around him? He wanted to sleep. To sleep forever would be immense help for him, but he knew other things could be better. He just was horrible at talking about it and dodged it with comedy. 

“Sean?”

The warm and deep voice woke him from his trance of thought, looking up at the concerned man, with the scarf around his neck but no true jacket around him. Just a large black long sleeve. “Hey Mark..” he smiled to him. Was he drunk? No. Did he wish he was? Yes. Maybe if he was somewhat in the right mind he might not jabber to Mark to what he felt on a daily basis. He put the letter in his pocket, not caring if it crumbled up like his will to keep trying to be positive every day

“I've been trying to call you for the past hour, are you alright…? Ethan told me you were heading here from what he guessed…” he sounded more concerned than he needed to be. The musty, damp feeling in the bar only made his glaze over him worse. He felt his phone on mute so nothing would bother him or annoy him. He needed this. “I just.. Turned my phone off. It's alright mark.” he said as he scooted over for him, as he insisted that he sat down by him. “You’ve been quiet as of late.. Your not acting right.. Are you okay?” he asked and god, did he want to snap. But his anxiety wouldn't let him. What if Mark took that completely wrong and thought he was drunk and- 

“Sean??” “oh- i'm fine, just.. Having one of those days…” he replied. Wouldn't even let him finish his thought. How fucking grand. “I've just been… tired,” he said as he took another drink. He wished he was acting, but he wasn't as he felt a pang of pain soar through his head like a meteor. Was he getting to be drunk? Possibly. “I've been.. Just lonely i guess…” he yawned through the sentence. “Lonely? But-” “Mark… a different type, of lonely..” he lowered his head some. Was he focused on what he was saying? Absolutely not. “I've been dying to tell someone- Anyone.. How i feel about things around me and-” Hic! Or well- fucking hell yeah he's drunk alright. 

Mark was listening intently to this. Why didn’t Jack say this before? He knew something was up, but for how long? He knew something wasn't alright, but for how long has it been ‘not okay’ and how bad was it? He didn’t know, but he didn't wanna push it. A horrible thought drifted to his head… Was Sean suicidal?... no, he wouldn't do it. He knew he wouldn't do it. He would never hurt himself. If he was trying to remain positive, it would only make him suffer, but not to that point. 

“Then tell me, Sean…” he said, gently pulling away the glass from his hand. When he looked to him, he could tell that his breath reeked of whisky. The strong kind. Which one was it? Are they different? He didn't know, but he’d been drinking hard and he didn't know for how long he had been here. “Alright then” Sean had laid back with a glum, drunken slathered on his face. Scattered, it was. “I'm lonely, as in- I have nobody to really tell my issues to. Do you know what it's like to.. Just… hurt, every day?” he said through slurs and hiccups, various times. “What it's like to have everyone's eyes on you and to put up a fucking act like ‘okay I'm happy all the fucking time’ and that- That really hurts” Sean ranted as he smacked the table, which startled mark, other exhausted people in the bar, and even himself. 

It at least snapped him out of ranting out of frustration, as he slumped back into the seat, looking away from Mark who was listening, but struck by- What was it?.. Shock? Amusement- what sort of person would get amusement out of this?? He didn't know what he felt but he put his hand on his drunk friend's shoulder. “Tell me more…” 

“No” he muttered. He wanted to get out but, no. Mark was sitting there. He couldn't just slide out and leave him there alone. That's wrong. That'd ruin their relationship, right? Would it ruin how he looked? He already looked and felt like shit. What would it matter, anyways- everything? Yeah, everything. He wanted to be cared about but wasn't he already cared about, by so many. There were so many to leave him to be judged. To be hated. To be loved. To be nauseated. He just slunk his head onto the table again, and both were quiet for a while. 

“Do you need a ride home..?” Mark spoke up some after for what felt like hours of silence from him and the people around them. But they were normal. Nothing changed about them. No one stared. No one spoke. “I can ride myself home…” Jack said. Oh he desperately wanted to leave, so badly.. He wanted to leave, he wanted to shut up. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!!! Shut up already!! Nobody fucking cares!! Who the- “Alright… call me when you get home..” Mark had said when Sean didn't even realize he got up. Is he that blind to the things around him? 

As Mark had left, the scarf around his neck looking tighter around him due to the freezing cold outside, or what he guessed, his thought process was a blur. He didn't know where to step and where to stand, he didn't know whether to think or to say. He had gotten up unsteadily and had walked out. It was freezing, for being a fall night. The lights down the street and sidewalk were dimly lit. where was marks car? It was nowhere to be seen. Where was he? Where was he standing?? 

CRASH

And everything had gone dark.


	2. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to the very much and truly best author and crankiplier writer ever, @radioactive_remedy , u have no idea how much i actually love u, and how much i love your writing. Your so good at it!! Keep it up, and fulfill your wishes

Who was he? Where was he? He could see white lights surrounding him, and quiet voices whispering his name, but whenever he looked they would shut up. Shut up. They just shut up. All they do is stay quiet and they would never look at him in the eye.  
“It’s him” “what’d he do?” and other somber mumbles from a certain voice in particular. Mark’s, wasn’t it? “He wouldn’t do that” “you don't know him” “you hate him don't you” “all he is, is loud, brash and annoying” “he’s my friend, he’s perfect just the way he is.” he walked past all the blacked out bodies he was passing, soon enough running to the man he knew was what he was hiding the most from. When he had looked at him in the eye though. He could see- nothing. Nothing at all. White. You could say they were glowing. Could he not look at anyone in the eye? 

“Mark- Mark it’s me” he had gone up to him as mark had stood still, lifeless. He didn’t know what he did. What did he do? He felt as if he could do it. Why couldn’t he do it? He saw a blackened hand grab his shoulder, then he felt another grab him. Another, and another, and another. They grabbed him by his neck, arms, legs, but they didn't pull. Not yet. Their grasp only had got tighter and tighter till he was choking, begging them to let him go, and soon dragging him seamlessly through the floors under them. When he looked back up he saw mark reaching out for him. Why? Why was he doing this?

When he thought he had woke up, he had only felt himself being engulfed by- what? What was it? When he opened his eyes, it was the same dream as so many times before. The ocean and he was sinking further and further, but this time nothing was strapping him down. He hadn’t felt as if he was choking. He didn't feel like he couldn't breathe. But he felt warm. Warm and… Safe. safe from what? It didn’t matter… What was going to swim by him and kill him? Did it matter? No… this was a dream. He felt oddly calm, looking at all the life around him as he was continued to be dragged down.

Why did he feel like this? He hadn’t had this feeling in- forever… he had lost his sense of safety a while ago, but it didn’t matter right now, he could stay there forever for all he cared. He knew he was going farther and farther but he knew when he would hit the bottom. It was far off. He knew it’d take time, so he had to wait. He had to think of what the best for him was and that would be for someone to talk to. He knew he shoved mark off in a drunken rage- wait... Did he? He couldn't remember. All he remembered was telling mark something. He knew mark did go away but he could only recall bits and pieces of what had really happened. He didn't know. He knew whatever he could do could never truly be enough. Never enough. He will never be enough. 

He felt as if the chill from the waters had to start to envelop him and he looked down at himself and started panicking. The shaded out people- fears, dragging him by his chest, his feet, his neck and he started trying to yell out, trying to force them off but they only duplicated more and more and the hand- more of a now noose had tied around his neck, pulling him further down and down and he couldn’t breathe. He couldn't have a breath of water- air, whatever he was in. he couldn't breathe. He wanted to yell out for help. More of a scream. But once he heard a snap of what he thought he was the rope as he soon set up in a bed, a cold sweat dripping from his head. He stopped for a moment. 

Where was he? The room was tinted in an afternoon haze from the sun, and dressers and things scattered here and there. It smelled a lot like a dog, or well… Mark too… He looked around more and saw the dog bed by the bed he had woken up on. Someone must’ve heard him moving around as he heard footsteps coming up a pair of stairs and he started to panic. Was this Mark's house?? Was he in a strangers house?? Was he-

“Hey…” He heard the somber voice and that had cooled off the terrifying thoughts of what could've happened. Mark had walked in, wearing a black sweater and some pajama pants. Nothing special. And his circle glasses… “You passed out on the ground after you left the bar… so I brought you here cause I wasn't going to let you get rained on and maybe freeze to death.” he had chuckled softly and Sean had looked away, feeling bad. Did he really pass out, out there? What even happened? 

“Did I do anything stupid?” he asked. He tried looking at him but he could never really make himself look at him in the eye. “Nothing much. When I was starting to carry you in you mumbled a bunch of gibberish but I couldn’t make out what you were saying.” He said. “I'm not sure if your hungry or not but, when you do I picked you up a box of doughnuts.” He mentioned, and Sean had perked up a bit. Mark really did that for him? How… nice. Mark was always nice, but he didn't expect anything from him… “I stole most of the chocolate ones” he quietly laughed while walking out, and Sean soon following behind. 

“I don't mind…”


End file.
